I am back from my month long trip home to Kansas. From loving on my boys to hugging old friends, I needed every moment of that trip. The amount of stress and anxiety I was lugging around with me was incredible. Even I didn't realize the full weight until I began to discard the layers of concerns and relax into being among friends and family. After a month, I still wasn't able to see everyone I wanted to see or see people for as long as I wanted. However, I am content in knowing it will not be another two years before I go back. While I spent a fair amount of time concentrating on work concerns and finalizing a magnificently complicated year, I spent a great deal of time doing more important things like soaking up the creature comforts of being at the the Scandia B&B run by AB or rolling down the highways to familiar destinations. The experiences at the Scandia B&B included having my laundry done and my bed made in addition to fresh flowers and cookies being left in my room. I could roam the grounds and see chickens, ducks, and all sorts of wild bird visitors. A tiny little butler scratched open my door daily to check on me and to get some good boy pets. There was a garden, small orchard, and of course an abundance of flowers. AB went out of her way to make memories and love on me. I cannot explain how completely and absolutely spoiled I felt. More than one time, I had to do a double take as I saw Gramma and Paa in the smiles and actions of my hostess. There were fresh baked treats nearly everyday. I did not reach any of the goals I had for diet while I was there, and I do not regret a single slice of banana bread! She took photos for my "baby book" of my bags heading off to Norway, happily explaining to the FedEx man that her niece was moving to Norway of all places. Together we created glass creations for another aunt who really needed a piece of both of us to keep at her new home. We dug through jewelry just like I used to with Gramma, and I got to hear the stories of where precious pieces came from. She even gave me a few pieces myself. Although I don't ever remember telling her how much I love amethyst, she somehow knew. Maybe I will ask someday, or maybe I will just rest in the knowledge that her love is immense. An unintended bonus of the visit was getting to know some of AB's grandwees. This experience filled me with so much awe. Here I got to see that her love for her own daughter had translated to her own grandchildren being even further removed from family cycles. What an amazing group of people. All of the littles, eventually came around, and we had such a great time playing and chatting. Perhaps I shouldn't say it, but Z was my favorite little man. His first time to speak to me was a short hello, and the second was (heavily prompted by AB) to ask if I wanted a drink with lunch. By the end of the visit, we cried a little bit together about how much we will miss each other. And of course, we reminded each other what AB/Gram says, "You only miss the ones you love." Z is not one for attaching to other people, so he surprised his family by clinging so much to me. We spoke about Norway, trips he had been on with Gram and Gramp, reading, and family relationships. We read, played cars, and had an epic water battle with his birthday guns. His advice that if a stranger tried to take me that I should "kick him in the balls" left little room to doubt he was indeed family. One day I hope that he and I can exchange the tours of Yellowstone and Norway that we decided to do with each other. All told, I rode passenger for at least 800 miles and drove over 2100 miles myself. In case you are wondering, I could have ridden/driven across the entirety of Kansas east to west seven full times. I am pretty sure I owe AB an oil change! Of course those miles also include the ride I got in my cousin Jeremy's slingshot. That was a hot but exhilarating ride. It was a great chance to catch up and to see Kansas from a different view. The total also included a trip to Salina for AB's treatment, a sober reminder of one of my reasons to travel. That afternoon, I passed the time with UB who is quite reserved compared to AB but just as lovably quirky. While my arrival was met with a playfully gruff "What the hell are you doing here?", it ended with a tight hug and a broken voiced, "I love you." Logging all of those miles provided me a lot of time for reflection and to recenter myself. The one time I chanced the shitty cellular reception to call NBF, it left us both frustrated and ready to hang up on each other. Having no other option but to travel alone, I made several discoveries about myself in those miles, not all of which I am ready to share. I will get there though.
Probably one of the most interesting discoveries was why being with family and friends is so exhausting for me. Honestly, I had thought it was just down to my anxiety coupled with poor past experiences stacked on my intolerance of small talk. I had never given a second thought to how deeply I tune into people and analyze situations. I am, after all, a fixer and teacher by nature. I wouldn't be very good at my job if I didn't pick up on the little clues. On a few family visits I was profoundly saddened to know that there really was nothing that I could do but watch and offer support as each went along their journey. However, the knowledge about myself allowed me to arm myself in a much different way in preparation of the visits. I ended up handling all I learned and packed inside to carry much better than before. All through my visit with AB, I had been feeling a vibe that she was sharing more about family than ever before and challenging the way I saw some members of our family. When I shared this revelation about analyzing and fixing and how I sensed such deep avoidance in some family members regarding her diagnosis, she used it as an opportunity to "barge through the door" as she put it. In a previous conversation she had shared a talk she had with an elderly neighbor in which the neighbor was relating that she didn't believe her grandchildren had a concept of her mortality. AB told her, "The will leave a door open, and when you see it, barge right in. That's how we have to do it sometimes." "Have you come to terms with my impending demise?" No knock. No warning. Just barging in. To be fair, I left it open. Yes. No. Sometimes? We stood in the yard talking about where I was in my journey until buzzards flew overhead, and she looked up and said, "I had better get inside." Nurses and teachers I tell you...the darkest of humor. Neither of us know if this visit was our last or not, and that is just the nature of this journey our family is on. We took advantage of the time to speak on many topics. If my own mother were in her position how would I react? Her wishes for hospice and a deep concern her nurse daughter NOT take over her caretaking. Her thoughts about cremation and her things when she's gone. How various family members are progressing in acceptance. The tough talks with the grandwees about sickness that doesn't go away. How she stopped referring to it as "when I die" and switched to "when I am in heaven hugging my mom and dad". Would I return for her funeral? (No, NBF and I are to travel somewhere she has always wanted to go.) How we only miss the ones we love. The list is endless. I can tell you that I did behave as if it were my last visit, and it wasn't the whirlwind bucket list type of time Hollywood would have you believe is THE way to do it. I hugged and kissed her often. I talked about anything I felt we left unsaid, which was very little outside of the funeral trip and her cremation. You see, there is a service that will take human cremains and press them into a diamond. I intend to take cremains from my son, father, and AB when it is time and have a diamond made. Other than that, we got to the business of just being. We watched Judge Judy, played with her ducks, sat in silence, shared coffee on the porch, and stayed up too late. We visited downtown Scandia where I got to meet her friends. We picked vegetables from a community garden, and I watched her bake and cook and love on a lot of people. She forced me admit I was wrong about NBF when many months ago I had dared to tell her he probably wasn't THE one. I told her I loved her on purpose and why. I reminded her that she is an example of strength I attempt to emulate. It was, in my estimation, the perfect way to spend this visit. While I will never have enough hugs or time with AB, in my heart I am settled, and perhaps that is the best I can hope for.
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Nellie HillJust a woman leaping outside her comfort zone and telling the tale. Archives
April 2024
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