I already know this will be hard because it is the first post AB won't get before the rest of you (and because I have been twiddling with it for ten days now). I've already caught myself almost tagging FB posts, almost sending photos, and lamenting the fact that every FB message pushes her name further down the list. At first, I just closed what I was doing and said, "fuck it", then I moved on to crying when I realized what I was doing, and now I am trying to choose another person or people to share with. Of course, I didn't start this blog or keep writing it for AB, she was just one of my biggest fans. So even though I have one less cheerleader, I still have experiences and thoughts that I want to put to text. Spring is slowly emerging here, although I am reminded of my very different definition of spring when NBF declares summer is near. I might need reminders for a few more years that spring doesn't mean I have put my coat away. The days are already much longer and plants are blooming and greening up. Most of the bodies of water are thawing, and the swans have returned. The kommune has swept up the rocks spread on the trails for winter traction. We have started spring cleaning and getting ready for outside weather as well. Our veranda even got some small upgrades that will make grill nights that much more cozy! Work has settled down some, and we are running down the last weeks of school. While we are not done until June 21, we get some much needed week long breaks throughout the year. We have some exciting things planned for the students including swim lessons and a trip to the Oslo Natural History Museum. I am fingers crossed that they also get to watch the Oslo Philharmonic Orchestra rehearse before the school year concludes. The orchestra announced that it was opening rehearsals to classes in the Oslo area, and I think it is a priceless opportunity. I would have loved for BAH to be able to visit a large, decorated orchestra like this. Maybe when he visits, we can do this together.
I continue to really enjoy living here, and I have gotten my feet back under me for the most part. Winter was really tough but I made it through, although slightly battered. It has been an adjustment living with people and advocating for myself. There have been many tough conversations about expectations and new patterns. Believe it or not, I have now been seeing NBF for two years. We are going to go celebrate on a long weekend at the end of May. What an amazing journey it has been so far. Both of us often lament that we wish we had met earlier, but who knows, maybe neither of us would have been in the right place for that. Recently, we even looked at a house together. It wasn't "the one" but it opened some really important conversations between us which made the experience worth it even if the house didn't. We would like to continue our progress on the yard. The tree we planted last year looks like it will bloom beautifully this year again. The dirt patches have sprouted nice tufts of grass, and we have trimmed up the willow and apple trees to get them growing. This year I also found spaghetti squash seeds. I CANNOT wait to get them planted and hope that the harvest will be worth the effort. That is one veggie I miss from the states. I have heard tales that it can be found here, but the season is shorter and they aren't in every store. We have started transplanting lilac bushes as well. There are so many behind the fence that can be moved to better locations. We are really hoping to establish a fence of lilac bushes so that the line of sight from the road to the utestue is obscured. The other project we are thinking of tackling is a remodel of our bedroom. We have some great ideas, but right now we are both focused on finishing the school year. NBF has nearly finished his second year and has some big exams coming. His evenings and weekends are off limits until June! He's going to do fine, but I know he doesn't want to miss a minute of study. I realize this has been more of a loosely navigated commentary on life in general, but I was more focused on pushing words to paper than the mental images and impact of my words. Writing has been an invaluable way to express and analyze my life, and I want that habit to remain intact. For now, I need to get outside to walk and then get to studying my Norwegian. There is much to accomplish and not enough day to do it all, as is the case for most of us.
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I remember when I started my blog how very different it was from now. I've been writing about my life, my views, and telling stories for almost three years now. (Not even sure how it is possible) It all started as a way to keep up with family and friends where I could have a longer post than on FB but still avoid telephone calls because holy crap I hate talking on the phone. You can just imagine how I feel about this shift to video calls due to covid, but I digress. I also wanted to have something to look back on to remember (what I thought would be a short stint) teaching in Norway and then in more countries. Soon the blog morphed into a quasi therapeutic ritual, but I have tried to maintain the life update core. Of course, humor will always play a role in it because sometimes in life if you don't laugh, you'll cry. And lord knows there is already enough to cry about. I wouldn't say I have a large following, but I can say there are a lot more people that regularly read my blog than I thought. I gauge whether I am writing enough by how quickly NBF reads it. Lately he has been reading as soon as I post, so I need to do better. I've gotten messages from people and had conversations with others that read the blog and just had to share their reactions or simply say, I love your writing. I have been told by people that they cannot wait to read each time, and by some, that they save them up for rainy days. The most humbling and gratifying compliment I have been given is being told I am an amazing storyteller. I have always valued the fighters, the lovers, and the storytellers in my own life, and to think that I am that person for someone else is, well, awesome. (And I totally mean that in a non-eighties way. 😉 ) I have even had people request that I write about certain topics because they want to hear how I would present it to the world. I have never chased down this particular rabbit hole, but I am going to give it a go. Maybe it stops with this post, but I think this one is worth it. Could be you have guessed already, but this request was from AB. We had the chance to have a lot of deep and meaningful conversations in the last year, both in person and online, and a lot of those resonated with me because of circumstances, of course, but because she was AB. When I first started calling Aunt Becky, AB, it really stuck for some reason. I never even realized she used it with other nieces and nephews until much later. But one time we were talking and she mentioned UJ, and from that time, whenever we chatted about him it was UJ. You know enough about my past to know there were anchors and there were life vests. UJ was a life vest, hell he was a raft. So, by request of AB, I'd like to introduce the world to our UJ. When UJ introduces me to people, he tells them, "This one made me an uncle." You can see his chest swell, and you know this has been how he viewed me since the beginning. A beginning that is very unlike our now. When I was born, UJ was 14 and one of five siblings raising hell in a home environment that fostered that lifestyle. A generation and the recovery of two alcoholics later, I know of my mom, uncle, and aunts' upbringing, but I don't really KNOW. What I do know, is that that life scarred them all, defined some, and was a catalyst for others. I don't remember the very youngest years of course, but UJ is there in photos smiling and posing with me, the dude with the longer hair and sunglasses. He's always been so stylish and cool. Of course, I didn't think his middle name was so cool and got in a load of trouble for laughing about it when I learned it. However, this stopped me from making the same mistake when I found out my mom's first name was Verna. What the hell were my grandparents thinking? One of my youngest memories of UJ is how much he would come to our house when we lived in Salina. Back then it was just my dad and mom, me, and my dad's doberman, Fritz. This huge dog simply LOVED UJ....to the extent that if you said, "Jerry," he would start barking and go nuts and wait at the door. I can remember watching Tom and Jerry and seeing how excited Fritz would get, so one time when the theme song came on I sang at the top of my lungs....the Tom and JEERRRRY SHOW. I got my ass beat for teasing the dog, but it was one of those worth it moments. I used to get to stay with UJ as well. Mind you, this man is a bachelor in his late teens, but he still took me along. A really memorable time was when he took me to hunt bullfrogs. Man, was that some fun. I am not sure if it was that he let me or I was just clumsy ol nellie, but when we got back to his place, he had to wash my clothes because I was covered in mud. There was no way he was taking me back to my mom in that condition! While the clothes washed, he showed me about getting the frogs ready to fry, and I got to eat frog legs. There also came a time when UJ got the coolest car and the most beautiful girlfriend ever. She looked like she walked straight out of a fashion magazine with her perfectly styled blond hair. To me, they were life goals. Even at my young age, I could see the absolute love between them. I thought they made a perfect couple. And maybe the best part was that even though he found her, it didn't mean he stopped taking me. As a matter of fact, one time I was on a trip with them, I saw her hairbrush. THIS must be how she got the perfect hair. I simply had to brush my own hair with it. Now for those of you who know the 80s Goodie round hairbrushes, you are going to know where this is going. The rest of you should take a moment to google those god forsaken things. For the record, the bristles are NOTHING like the round brushes of today. With my extensive hairstyling knowledge, I was pretty sure that all she did was wrap her hair around it and brush out these fabulous curls. Simple, right? WRONG! So fucking wrong. I managed to get that thing STUCK in my hair. The more I panicked trying to get it out before they came back to the car, the worse it got. I was sure she was going to be so angry, and UJ too because I was messing with her things. I really didn't want to disappoint them, but there I was, rat nest wrapped around a brush when they came back. And do you know, they weren't mad. They just untangled my hair. Yet another time, I was too afraid to ask to stop and peed my pants. Fuck, I was so embarrassed and just knew this was the last trip I would be going on. It wasn't. They just cleaned me up and got me new clothes. I remember them telling me, we can stop anytime and that I just needed to ask. But from what I understood about the world, these two were clearly not cut out to be parents. I mean, they didn't even know how to properly deal with a child messing with their stuff. Plus, they were willing to let a child call the shots for where to stop for bathroom breaks on a trip. PFFT! But they were awesome for an uncle and hopefully an aunt. The hugs and laughter were just about nonstop with him as well. I don't mean those two pats on the back bullshit hugs or the teehee that's funny laughter either. I mean the wrap his arms around you and hold you until you know you're loved hugs. The laugh until tears run down your legs type of laughter. And man, can he tell stories and jokes in a way that makes them so much better! Another time that I got to go with them, it was a last minute decision by everyone. It wasn't until we needed to stop that they realized my mom hadn't packed any shoes for me. It was not uncommon at our house to spend the majority of the summer barefoot. Truth be told, it saved money not to have to buy summer shoes as well. I know they bought me clothes on that trip also because I remember feeling like a princess. I can remember the shoes. They were something his girlfriend would wear. A cork wedge with rainbow straps. (again, youngsters may have to google) I. wore. them. everywhere. The fashionable shoes and clothes weren't all, UJ bought the best gifts. One year for my birthday he bought me a Thumper bunny rabbit, you know...the one from Bambi. I played with that thing until its feet fell off, literally. I took it for show and tell multiple times. It was one of the nicest stuffed animals I had even gotten. I would probably still have him, but my sisters and I got lice once, and mom threw away all of our stuffed animals because they were furry and could have lice. Crazy that you can mourn a toy, but there I was. It wasn't only about the things, though, those were just my tangible reminders of him. Along with photos, sometimes that was all I had. In my immediate family, it was common to cycle through relationships with relatives. For the purpose of this post, you need only know that if my mom was mad at a relative, we were all expected to follow suit. So, there were big gaps where UJ didn't get to be as involved as he or I wanted. In 1985, he married that model. She was gorgeous in her dress, and he was so dashingly handsome. Sigh, my uncle was part of a fairy tale, y'all. I didn't understand why it mattered if he "became Catholic just to marry her." Truth be told, it might be one of the best decisions he ever made. His wife, family, and faith are a huge part of how his past became a catalyst for who he is now instead of a definition of who he is. However, anyone in a dysfunctional family knows that if you do something to set yourself apart, then you are only trying to be better than your family and should be ashamed of yourself. So there he was "being better than us", but secretly, I cheered. They're still married, by the way, and they are still relationship goals, too. They have raised two amazing women and will soon have their first grand baby. He is the last sibling to be a grandparent. In our later years, it became a joke that I would be a grandma before he became a grandpa because our kids are so close in age. Luckily, he wins that one, or I would never hear the end of it. (I can't wait to see him Grandpa. ) Through my adolescence and young adulthood, UJ was there as much as I let him. I will clarify this by saying he was always there regardless, but I held all family at arms' length for the most part. I was deeply suspicious of everyone's motives, and much of the time, I had to fall in line to keep peace with my mom. Also, I harbored anger at UJ and AB for not rescuing me from my mom. They saw who she was, and yet they left me there. It took a therapist to help me see their predicament in full and facing the situation with my own niece to fully comprehend how they must have felt. All of this is to say that when UJ wasn't fully present in my life, it was not because he loved me any less. There are so many stories I could tell you. I know I can make him belly laugh just by mentioning feeding the chickens. He hosted a fourth of July party every year that was THE place to be. A forced fart in the shower...oops! Practical jokes with my dad's fake leg. Fishing with us. The day I realized he really saw my mom and didn't consider us a package deal. Helping me make a home out my empty apartment. Playing Cards Against Humanity. SMEGMA...lawd, poor AT. I could go on, but I will tell you two of my favorites. #1 When I gave birth to BAH, he convinced the nurse I was their surrogate mom. They were congratulating him on the birth of HIS son. I think they might have even let him take BAH! He was just a tad jealous I got boys and he got girls. He was the first relative to hold BAH, and I will never forget the look on his face. #2 One day when I lived in Andover, we were sitting in his basement talking. There was much more to the conversation that I hold onto just for me because it is mine. I will leave it at this, it was a conversation that I needed, but I will tell you three big pieces. I admitted to him that I didn't feel worthy of being loved how he loved me and that I knew I had made shitty choices as a teenager and even an adult. That was when he explained why he introduced me the way he does. He said, "You were the first one and YOU made me an uncle. That changed my life." And he told me, "Your dad's eyes lit up when he talked about you. He was so proud of you and loved you so much." We cried and hugged. Enough said. UJ has lived a life that is extraordinary for our family. He is a first generation cycle breaker. I am not sure how much you understand about that statement, but just know it is a huge undertaking and only the most courageous make the kind of progress he did. It is easy to see why some members of the family feel jealous or explain it away as he is "too big for his britches" or "up on his high horse". Side note, the immature girl in me will always laugh about a person riding a horse that is smoking marijuana when I hear that. I am incapable of hearing it as an insult. He doesn't take credit for his hard work, and he admits he is all too human. Granted, he is much more likely than some family members to tell you to take a flying fuck at a rolling donut, but only if you deserve to spend your time doing so. He is generous and frugal almost to a fault. I realize those two things seem at odds, but coming from the same background it makes perfect sense to me. Our family was POOR. Saving money on groceries, getting good bargains...that was survival. But knowing what real poor feels like, means you don't want anyone else to experience it, so you share what you can. When I moved to Andover with nearly nothing, he dug through his storage and freezer to make sure I had what I needed. And he would do this for anyone. There is a deep well of love in this man. He's one of those people that you truly wish could see themselves through your eyes...even just a glimpse. He looks like his dad, which must be a blessing and curse for him, but to those of us who came later, it is all blessing. His laughs and hugs are just like Paa's. He is wise and compassionate, but he isn't one to push his opinions about your personal choices. He is accepting of people, flaws and all. And he has enough snark to remind you he is one of your tribe. So world, this is a peek at UJ. I hope I did him justice. Photo credits:
simple google search for the 80s items I had to steal photos from UJ's FB and take photos of photos because my photo drive won't load. In my mind, experiences are often better than things, but of course, I don't like to dust so knick knacks are my least favorite kind of gifts to get. But, take me somewhere I can make memories...sigh. I will send my kids movie or restaurant gift cards for that very reason. Who knows what fantastic adventure awaits when you can spend someone else's money to have a good time. Although, I did stop short of sending them on scavenger hunts. I had found a really cool website that has scavenger hunts arranged in cities all around the world, but I was informed that it was possible both spouses would not survive the experience. I guess breakout rooms are out, too! So it should come as no surprise that I LOVED my birthday gift this year. NBF planned an overnight trip to Oslo. "We're going on an adventure, Nellie!" That was about all I knew when I packed my bag to follow along, but I was sure he knew what he was doing. The day started with sleeping late and pancakes. I found out this meant he had to change his plan a bit. I guess it was a good thing it was his plan because we all know how I am with schedules. We boarded the train around 10:30 and hopped off at a stop north of Oslo called Nydalen. Then we walked, following the river, to our hotel in the city center. The weather was just beautiful and I only needed a hoodie and hat to stay comfortable. There were small waterfalls, bridges, and gathering places all along the river. The paths were well worn by visitors both on bike and foot. Before I knew it, we had been walking for a couple of hours and it was time to decide if we wanted to go to the hotel or have a late lunch first. I took many photos along the way, but there were just as many opportunities that I skipped. How I have missed days like this. The hotel NBF booked is called the Radisson Blu, and there is a bar and restaurant at the top. At 117 meters it is only one meter shy of being the tallest building in Oslo. There is a glass elevator that runs up the outer wall, and the view from our room on the 29th floor was amazing. I have never stayed so high in a hotel before. The room even had ONE bed and a bathtub! I felt completely spoiled knowing that he cared enough to book a room with a view that I would enjoy. We settled for a TGIFridays appetizer to knock the pangs off our hunger before deciding what we were going to do next. The whole of Oslo was ours to explore you know. We meandered through the streets looking for a place with outdoor seating, in the sun, to enjoy a meal. It added a special touch to hear stories from NBF about his time living in Oslo and the places he went. At one point, we stopped in a souvenir shop where a man told me I should explore my roots because I might be a viking from how I look. I could have laughed when I thought about how cold I get so easily. I am pretty sure if there is viking blood, it is weak in this one. When we reached the docks, we decided to have a drink and soak in the view and the sun. Soon, the wind drove us to question our choice of outdoor area, so we got ourselves moving. On the way back to the hotel, we stopped in the cinema to see if there was a film we might want to see (and so I could warm up). Seeing no films that really appealed to us, we decided we would just go back to the hotel and up to the Sky Bar for a drink to discuss our dinner plans. The stories and walking tour of Oslo continued right up to the moment when he pointed out the subway, and I mentioned that I had never been on a subway before. I had to laugh when it was his turn to stop in the middle of a sentence, mid-step, to stare at me in disbelief. Needless to say, we rode the subway for one whole stop on the way to the hotel. He explained the maps to me and I got to buy the tickets. While I know this is such a small thing, it really is the type of thing that makes my day. And now I can say I have been on a subway. When we made it to the Sky Bar, we were denied entry because we had hoodies on. Never mind you that people were wearing outdoor coats or that we had been told downstairs that there wasn't a dress code. Reluctantly we stripped off our hoodies to go inside. While the view was stunning, the selection of alcohol and food was disappointingly unacceptable. So we put on our hoodies and left. This turned out to be a good choice for us. We went to a popular chain restaurant in Norway and had a nice dinner. On the way back to the hotel, NBF saw a bar he frequented when he lived in Oslo, so we stopped for a drink. Hearing the nostalgia in his voice and the memories he chose to share was a perfect conclusion to our day. Those conversations are among the ones that teach you the most about your partner. Even though the day didn't follow his plan, when I snuggled into bed with him that night, I knew I wouldn't have changed a thing. Sunday was a continued celebration of my birthday and our tour in Oslo. While it was supposed to conclude Saturday, Frogner Park ended up being our Sunday destination. After enjoying a hot bath and breakfast at the hotel, we packed up for our adventure home. Sunday mornings are pretty quiet in Norway, so the city was still waking up when we set out. It was another great weather day as well. In the next few paragraphs, I have added some Wikipedia links for the more curious among us. If you read my last blog, you know that Frogner Park is the area behind the huge gate I captured in a photo. I could hardly contain my excitement. Being the true Norwegian he is, NBF decided we should stop for coffee at the cafe just inside the park. He even bought me a birthday muffin. I think he has learned his lesson about not stopping for coffee with me just as much as I have learned my lesson about crowded places. We are a good balance for each other. When you look at the photo above, you can see the path we took. We walked over the bridge, and continued through the garden to the huge fountain. We then continued up the stairs to the monolith and back down the other side to the ringed statue at the end. On the way out, we retraced our steps giving me another chance to soak in what I might have missed going through. While some of the statues are bizarre, like the man that appears to be fighting the babies, many are poignant representations of life's simple moments. They are based in life stages, abilities, roles, and connection. Many of the statues are constructed of bronze and some are carved from granite. You can see the most loved statues by the smoothing or blackening from being touched. Of course, most of the boobs are blackened from being touched as well. I found myself mesmerized by the artists focus on all stages and shapes of humans. It seems there was no moment too simply to be overlooked. Unfortunately, finding the history and meaning of the statues is much more difficult. I could find that the artist, Gustav Vigeland, was a prolific artist who not only designed all 212 installations in Frogner park but also the Nobel Peace Prize medal. He was commissioned to create busts of notable people and had a hand in restoration of the Nidaros Cathedral. Side note, I was able to see the Nidaros Cathedral this past summer on a bike trip with NBF....it is breathtaking. I cannot wait to go back when the park is in bloom and the gardens are thriving. I think it will be a whole new experience. I am so thankful to have a loving man that understands me and loves exploring as much as I do. What a wonderful and memorable birthday! For all that I have shared, there is one picture I haven't share yet. Perhaps the most important lesson of the experience, even. It has a much more serious tone, but it is imprinted in my mind. Sometimes clarity comes in the happiest of times because your heart is ready to listen.
Life is going to pull you down and people will try to undermine and ruin you. This is just what is to be expected of the world and human nature. I think NBF explained it best to me...when you have a family like yours, you have to know that you all started in the same place. The ones that are the hardest on you are the ones that know you started in the same place as them but can see that you are no longer stuck where they are. Maybe you cannot see it in this photo, but this tree is going to blossom. I could see the buds as well as you can see it was uprooted and fell to its side. The tree really doesn't give a fuck though. It is living its best life anyway. So, I strive to be this tree. |
Nellie HillJust a woman leaping outside her comfort zone and telling the tale. Archives
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