This last week was Easter break for our school. This is another week long break that extends to Monday. However, I am just now sitting to write this week's blog because I suddenly realized while I was wishing Happy Easters that it is Sunday. The only other day this week I can consciously remember knowing is Thursday. I was supposed to go BBQ with a friend, but I did not feel well and also because I thought I really needed to go to the grocery store. Norwegian groceries close for holidays, and usually a few days around the holidays as well. In my thinking, Thursday was my last chance before the Easter schedule. WRONG! Thursday is Maundy Thursday so of course the stores are closed. Oh honey, bless your heart, maybe next year.
After a third week not only had I forgotten what day it was, I was definitely ready for a break from the online lesson plans and the stress of missing my students and the routine that comes with school. However, I suddenly found myself with a TON of time on my hands. To fill my time, I relied on chatting with friends and family, gaming, walking, sleeping, scrolling Facebook, walking, Netflix, and oh yeah, I took a few walks. The places I've discovered on the walks have been beautiful and remind me how fortunate I am not only to be able to explore but to have such a place to call home. And it's here I stall with this post. I'm in relatively good spirits all things considered, and I think I have a handle on most things. Certainly with work I've been hyper organized. Even now I can say this coming week's plans are all but polished. One teacher asked me more than once, "How can you be so put together?" After her third ask, I started to worry that maybe I wasn't concerned enough or stressed out enough. Maybe my lessons weren't all I thought. Maybe one Google Meet wasn't enough. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. As if! Many of you know I have plenty of past trauma and severe anxiety, so a normal part of my life is playing a game called, "What's the worst that can happen?" Quite simply, I'm used to shit going sideways and being neck deep in the muck and mire of uncertainty and pressure. The level of stress I consider to be normal or manageable is much higher than some people, and honestly, I am happy for them. No one should have to understand this perspective of being able to function while your hair is on fire. So while I am here giggling about coffee on my pants, setting notebooks on fire, spray bottle cleaner triggers snapping off (fucking hell I swear only me), and my cat chewing all the cords in the house, I am also not sweating the things I cannot control even if I tried. The lesson plan format and school schedule are decided for me. The rules for travel and shopping were made with zero input from me. And truly if you look at life, most of the time it is like this. There is a lot that is out of our control, and people can drive themselves crazy trying to gain control or plan every decision. These days where that perceived power has been effectively stripped are tough days indeed. Teachers I swear I'm not attacking you, but you're planners and architects. And I KNOW, just know in my heart, that some of you are entirely too focused on what you cannot control instead of what you can. You aren't giving yourself the heaping helpings of grace you serve your struggling students on tough days. You aren't measuring your progress by the triumphs and challenges you've overcome. You're hung on the "What ifs" and the "If we were in the classroom...". You are hung up on the fact that you are amazing educators and you "should" be able to do more. Do me a favor, take a deep breath. Think about your very best teacher friend and imagine that person in your shoes. What do you say to them? Now say it to yourself. And say it again and again because you didn't believe yourself the first (or fifth) time. It still holds true above all else, that your students will forget what you have taught them but they will never forget how you made them feel through this. We are going to grieve and struggle, and for many of us, this will go down as one of the worst years in our careers. But it doesn't have to be because we failed our students because we haven't and we aren't. When I look back to students I am proud of, I honestly cannot think of a single example of "Holy shit, they just learned every standard to mastery!" Grace, because you deserve it. Love, because you deserve it. Patience, because you deserve it. What was it you said to your best teacher friend...because you deserve it. What else have I been doing to balance this emotional ocean cruise? I look to the big and the little things that are going well in my life. There is a lot to be said for the comfort of knowing you have a place to live and that you will not go to bed hungry. Even being in a foreign country, I have the resources to go back to the states. I couldn't always say I had that kind of income or savings. As an introvert, there is certainly joy in being locked away from most of the annoying fuckers out there. I celebrate all the self improvement rock stars out there, but I don't pressure myself to keep that pace. It isn't mine. I partake in pajama and showerless days unapologetically. I do not allow my inner voice to criticize my lack of proper eating and exercise or my endless binging of Netflix and PS4 games..or at least I temper its ferocity. One day I put on make up and did my hair to go nowhere. If all this fails you, let an aunt that loves you ask, "Have you things to keep busy when restlessness turns your gut?" Giving an answer that will sufficiently hold back the hell hounds she will release on you for lack of self care will remind you what else you have to look forward to and occupy your time. Before I hop off my soapbox, I want to remind you that we are master deceivers. People rarely share their true self on social media or even in person. There are many reasons, but the point is, don't judge your journey by someone else's progress. I hike the most beautiful places in a day and post a picture of myself smiling, but you miss the miles where I am stuck in my mind juggling the stories that aren't mine to tell, the emotions that are too complicated for words for now, or the personal matters I keep for my own. Check in on your friends that post all the positives and humor. They might just need to share. And if someone reaches out to check on you, resist the urge to say...I'm fine if you really aren't.
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The third week of online learning has concluded, and I am officially on Easter holiday until April 13th. On April 8th, we should hear from the Norwegian government about the plan to move forward with education. These weeks have been filled with highs and lows, laughter and tears, isolation and connection, and reflection. This is actually my third attempt to write this week's blog. There is much I want to say, but some stories are not mine to tell, and some stories have a different time for telling. Looking back at the learning, I am so pleased with all my students have managed to accomplish. Some of their situations force the school work to the back burner, and many parents are overwhelmed with balancing the roles of teacher and parent. While we have been trying to stay connected via Google Meet, it is simply not the same. I give feedback and leave encouragement on their posts in Classroom Dojo. (Never have I ever used emojis so much in my life!) I exchange endless messages and emails for clarification, and I send videos for teaching and explaining. Yesterday, I took time to record a short video for each student to praise their efforts and to wish them a restful holiday. Parent reaction has ranged from, "I am three days into this and want to hire you to come live in my home," to "Can't you see how easy it is to incorporate more physical activity and art if you actually try." While I would love to send 13 little ones to the mother posting endless videos and tips on how to do my job better, I smile and say, "Thank you for sharing this with me," before filing her opinion away for later. Besides, at the end of this week, she sent me a message apologizing for not getting much work done because motivation has been so low and her daughter just can't seem to get things done. Hmmm, it is almost like school isn't an endless stream of entertainment, but I digress. Looking back at people, it has been interesting to see the various responses of different people in these times. Some have retreated inside themselves only to be coaxed out by the most persistent contact. Some have needed to lean on many people because they were so overwhelmed. Many have carried on seemingly as normal only revealing their heavy burdens to those closest to them or to those astute enough to notice the subtle hints. Certainly the current situation has revealed peeks at the true character of many around me. I've not been immune to my scrutiny of character during this time either. Not long ago, my motivation to help people was much more complicated than now. I needed a place to pour my energy and attention so I could forget my own issues. In helping others I could neglect and ignore the mess of my own life. The word 'no' simply did not exist for me in the context of helping others. I wasn't ready to face my own chaos. In fact, I considered self care and attending to my own issues to be a most selfish act. My how I've grown since those days. When I reach out to others now, I know it is from a place of love and concern for their well being and not an attempt to avoid my own emotions. In creating team building games or sharing resources, it isn't based in a need for recognition that I am a contributing member of the organization. I also know my limits and am able to ask for help now. Although this fledgling approach is still being nurtured, it's been as wonderful as it has been scary. My fear is that I would feel and be seen as weak and incompetent, unable to manage on my own. The piece of that puzzle that I couldn't connect before now was the impact within others. How I never connected my own feelings when I help to that of others is a mystery, but one I am glad to have discovered now. Everyone wants to feel needed and valued, and receiving that from people we admire or like has a greater value. Although I wouldn't say that this quarantine situation has been the discovery point, I would say that it has been a place of reflection for certain. Looking back on this week I also had my first birthday in Norway. I say first because I know I will spend at least one more here. What a wonderful experience. My students sang "Happy Birthday" in our Google Meet. It was the cutest and most out of sync moment ever! The news of my birthday traveled thanks to one little girl who was born April 1st and had clung to a happy little nugget that it was her birthday then the next day was her teacher's birthday. This girl's mother and she brought a cake to my house and in that moment I was struck again with how much I love my job and my kids. I had videos and messages on Class Dojo and Facebook, and I received a batch of emails from a group of past students which warmed my heart. I was treated to a wonderful birthday dinner hosted by a friend who turns out to not only be a wonderful photographer but a fantastic cook as well. One special friend showed up at my door with a serenade and an armful of gifts. I spoke with many family members, and even parents of students just checking to be sure my birthday was not a lonely day. Quite simply I felt so very loved and reminded of how many people the ripples of my life affect. Looking forward, I am unsure of many things; where new friendships will go, how the school year will end, when I can travel again, and when life will return to a more normal routine. The uncertainty doesn't plague me as it used to. I can keep perspective, and while I have goals, I am okay in flux. After all, there is still so much beauty in the world, in people, and in living. Again I end this week, thankful to be where I am and having all of the experiences I am. |
Nellie HillJust a woman leaping outside her comfort zone and telling the tale. Archives
April 2024
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