There are some people that should not have 24 hour access to their work. I am one of those people. The first three days of work from home, I didn't sleep. I tweaked and planned, worried and rearranged, and slept in fits and bursts only to wake panicked. Rather than attempt to go back to sleep I would drag myself, bleary eyed, to my computer to do what I must have thought at the time was brilliantly inspired and absolutely essential to success in online learning. I quickly realized I couldn't keep doing it. I desperately needed to find balance before my life whirled out of control. So I went out to look for signs of spring and renewal. Those first few walks to find something beautiful gave me time to remember how hard I had worked to find balance in my life. After all, Janus had came into my life to be the beginning of balance when I first found myself not maintaining a work life balance. The work and effort I poured into that journey was not going to be cast away so easily. My life, at times, has felt like one endless, dreary crawl to survive. There has been a looming darkness magnified by death, loss, and depression. Many days I used every ounce of energy to claw far enough out to simply peek at the light, and some days I languished in the darkness wishing for it to swallow me whole and end my dance with the abyss. I haven't been there in some time. As a matter of fact, I didn't even experience my usual winter blues this year. I'm more determined than ever to hold onto that progress, those victories. The ironic thing is, you would think maintenance would be easier than the painful crawl. But I didn't have a clue how to do it. I suddenly found myself standing on a piece of wood balanced on a bowling ball. My muscles ached, I fell off, I crashed spectacularly, but some hours I succeeded in standing there. Then I managed to string hours into days and days into weeks. So this time when I fell, my muscles didn't sing in relief. I became uneasy and agitated, and I longed for something powerful enough to lure me from my work. And I was only able to ignore it for three days. This my friends is true progress. I will most likely always dive feet first into problems and tasks and happily muck through the debris and cleanup. I have accepted that I am not a keeper of to do lists, I prefer to done lists. When I commit to help, you can rest assured that you have my entire attention and effort until you no longer need me. I know this characteristic is both profoundly rewarding and soul crushingly debilitating. But I'm flexing those balance muscles, celebrating the small things, and loving life as it comes instead of saddling an avalanche for a ride down Everest. Living in Norway helps. I'm expected to be outside here. The outdoors has helped me to connect with that part of myself that enjoys the little things and just wants to breathe. Nature calls to you here. There are places designed to make access easier and to accommodate practices like grilling outside. And even better, it really belongs to everyone. Not just that, everyONE belongs to everyone. A friend casually mentioned to me that Norway is small enough "we can keep track of the welfare of all of our citizens." My friends help. Especially the ones that don't take no for an answer. We walk, we chat, and we just enjoy each other's company. Maybe one of the most magical moments this week was a walk with Ritu, our resident photographer. She manages to make me feel so beautiful when she photographs me. For three years, she has wanted to photograph the Glomma River from the top of a bridge in Fredrikstad at sunset. On Sunday, three of us ventured to the bridge for her to get her photo. The sheer joy on her face when she finally captured the one she wanted was an intimate and priceless moment that I am honored she chose to share with me. We are in week three of online teaching, and I have found a groove. There are still hiccups, but hopefully this won't last much longer. I have received a contract and will stay another year, and I have already applied for my residence permit. I even made another new friend this week. While still surrounded by uncertainty, social distancing, and lack of routine, I can honestly say my life is truly so wonderful.
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It is hard to believe it has been a little over a week since we sat in a staff meeting and our head of school said we would be closing the school and transitioning to online learning. My mind has been a vortex of thoughts and emotions, and for the first three days I slept only a few hours each day as I attempted to make sense of my new duties and the reality of the situation I was facing. Fortunately I have friends I can lean into , but the air is thick with anxiety nonetheless. No one promised us teaching would be a joy ride. Many teachers left school that Thursday scarcely armed to face an avalanche of paperwork and worry that threatened to bury us all in its wake. Embassies have since called citizens back, businesses and what felt like much of the city has shut down, and yet somehow we are still called upon to teach with as little disruption as possible. When the initial online learning plan went from paper to reality, I cried. Instead of the four total hours of middle school English each week, I would need to teach two hours (and possible three depending on the schedule shook out) of English per day. This would be on top of the hour of math, English, and inquiry I would be teaching each day to my first graders. Luckily I work with a group of people that are comfortable in learning as we go and that respect teacher voices. As a matter of fact, even this week things have changed as leadership has realized we just cannot keep the pace we are keeping. We have an extension on our reports and orders to put the computers away for self care sometimes. Our math teacher spoke up in our Thursday meeting and called out the inequality of the scheduled plan and even stood up for me in standing up for himself. I didn't say to him how much I appreciated that he had the courage to do the right thing because my mind had already shifted to, "Okay, you have your mission. Start planning how." I was barely present in the meeting as the magnitude of the tasks crept to my side. All in all, teaching first grade online has gone well. I've had many encouraging emails from parents as we try to transition, and I have had more than one parent say they were done with this home school teacher gig on day two. One mom sent me a message lamenting the fact that while she can't get her daughter to listen to simple instructions, while within one Google Meet I had taught 12 first graders to shut off their microphones with a hand signal. She said she didn't even want my full power of being able to close my hand in a fist and have 12 microphones shut off, she would settle for one. Probably the funniest thing, though, is that more than one parent has complained about how much their child needs to use the toilet before 9,30. Welcome to teaching, parents! And teachers, while it is nice for the parents to see from our perspective, don't get smug and forget these parents are grappling with a reality of their own as well. Many parents are struggling to get their kids to accomplish 1/3 of what we do in a normal day, and many more have multiple kids at home. I am privy to a much more intimate connection to the homes and lives of my students now, and I see so many layers. There is a big sister stepping into the role of teacher because mom and dad work, likewise there are grandmothers and parents of other first graders stepping up to see that these kids can access their school day. I have seen mothers that are at their breaking point and crying because they think they are failing. In their estimation not finishing the school work with their first grader is failing all while the moms themselves are staffing hospitals and covering extra shifts during a crisis of worldwide magnitude. Twelve six-year-olds got on a Google Meet with me, and it was the highlight of all of their days as they haven't seen their friends since we left school. Two of my students even had to postpone birthday celebrations. You could hear the desperate craving of friendship in their voices and questions. I can only hope I have adjusted this week's schedule enough to have better success and connection this week. The families aren't the only ones feeling like they aren't living up to their end of the bargain. I've had to give myself grace to understand that my level of expectations and what I can pull from students simply will not happen at home. While this frustrates me to no end, it also reassures me that I am a good teacher. I've told more than one parent that there are children that skip months of school and still manage to be well educated adults. When this is over, all of us will be proud of our involvement and the learning we were able to facilitate in this difficult time. This is far from a complete inspection of my feelings and the dynamics of the situation, but I realize I am in the middle of the event. I cannot name it now or fully judge the actions of myself and others. And truly, the word action implies a higher level of responsibility than I am ready to assign to people right now. We are all very much reactionary for the time being. It is firmly anchored in my mind that we will come to the other end of the ordeal with more patience, gratitude, and compassion. Meanwhile, I have sought out activity and companionship in order to keep my mind in a healthy frame of reference. This is uncharted water for me as I did not deal with the winter slump as has happened so many times in my life through the years. I credit excitement for new surroundings coupled with the refreshed teacher heart I have experienced here. However, I am not going to completely disregard my effort. I have worked hard to stay connected to myself, to the people around me, and to be engaged in living. Perhaps in the coming weeks, I can get back to writing about the things in my heart but for now I just need to set down some weight from my mind so that I can continue to push forward. And by the way, check in with your teacher friends. If ever there was a time for a reminder, it's now....love on purpose. First off let me say, I'm fine. I have enough food and supplies...even toilet paper. I have friends and colleagues that I can call on should I need anything. Be careful what you wish for. Last week I was struggling to write a post because I had hit another lull of routine and work that is quite frankly "not worth writing home about". Fast forward one week, and I am officially locked up abroad. The weekend started fantastically because I was busy searching for plans for when Brendon would come during the Easter holiday. I really enjoyed my time with Brad and couldn't wait to share with Brendon as well. Plus I might miss the guy...you know, just a little. I had a fantastic walk with my favorite fourth grade teacher and photographer, and she even showed me where to find some sushi. Cue Thursday. My day started with a quick stop to bring a birthday treat to a colleague and a coffee for myself which I promptly spilled on my pants. Meh, you know, worse shit is happening in the world. It's only a pair of pants. Before the end of the day I would have boot prints, ink streaks, and blood on these pants that I decided were better off in the trash. I'll just buy some new one..preferably in black.
Thursday also happens to be the day Norway made the decision to close all schools and lean on online learning to fill the void. Luckily, I got the news before my students departed, so my afternoon was spent packing as many books and resources I could think of into my students' backpacks. Even though we are due to reevaluate the decision on March 26th, the reality is, I probably won't be going back to school until after Easter break on April 14th. I don't think it really hit too hard until the teachers were told that we couldn't come to the building during this time off. So then I had to try to pack all of the supplies I might need to teach for two weeks. In the end, I didn't have the heart to tell my students that they were going home for two weeks. I told them that for tomorrow they wouldn't be able to come to school because I really needed to clean the classroom. I told them that since so many people were sick, that it was best if I got rid of all the germs. It was all I could do to hold it together when they cried about that. These kids love school, and they are fortunate in that they aren't going home to neglect or harsh conditions. I still felt awful and there is grieving for the time I will miss with them. Videos and virtual learning will lose its luster. For teachers there was no day to get ready. By Friday morning I needed to have plans sent to waiting students, and the day was a ninety mile an hour trip down a freeway with a bug splattered windshield and all my effort seemed like shitty wipers spreading the mess across the windshield. Friday was crammed with frantic emails from students and parents, and a frenzied effort to answer all of them. Somehow from this impossibly small experience, I am to evaluate my plan in order to begin building Monday plans which are due by 14,30. I ended up having to email my coordinator that it simply was not going to happen. I was still answering parent emails and collecting assignments. It has been learning on the go, and teachers, myself included, are exhausted. My teacher friends that have ever written detailed sub plans for little ones are probably in the best position to understand writing plans to help parents and students make it through a day of learning together without taxing a stressed system. It isn't that I think the families can't do it, it's that this is a stressful time already. Somewhere in the process of making videos and shuffling things around on my "desk" I even managed to start my notebook on fire. How I survive adulthood sometimes, I simply don't know. Finally at 16,00 I was finished. So an equally exhausted colleague and I went to have sushi at a restaurant that was a nice drive away. It was relaxing to take in the countryside and to talk about anything that wasn't school related. We even stopped for farm fresh eggs on the way back home and laughed some knowing one day we will look back on this and see the lessons from it. Over the weekend, news started to pour in from agencies about the extent of the lock down here and the measures to slow the spread of the virus. I've tried to stay away from social media because idiots abound. The selfishness of humans is too much to process right now when I am giving my all to help little ones keep some sense of normalcy when they life has been flipped. I spent all day today writing lessons for next week, and I am really not even ready to process everything that I want to tell everyone back home. In a nutshell, I'm not going to be able to have Brendon visit, and that saddens me. Online learning is hell to plan and implement, but I am so thankful my students are tech savvy little turkeys. I'm not ready to discuss my feelings on all that has happened, but I will. And I just got notification that I need to renew my resident permit...holy fuck this should be good. We all know how that went last time. I want to leave you with a quote from HONY, "We’re going to be fine. But we’re going to be fine because there are so many people who will choose humanity over selfishness. " Don't forget to keep loving each other, and share your toilet paper FFS. At school we are entering another truly busy period, and I am somewhat buried in paperwork and the daily challenges of teaching. Last weekend, I spent so much time sleeping and working that I didn't get around to typing a post. This weekend has not been much different, but I wanted to put up a quick post. I don't want to get out of the habit and let this slide.
Even with all the work and learning happening this year, I am still so very thankful that my class of first graders is small enough that I can focus on the growth of all of them. Last week, we had our school science fair. I must admit I cried a bit listening to my students present their experiments. These students who came to me the first day knowing how to say 'hello' and 'Can I use the toilet?' stood in confidence and explained their experiments in English. Anyone that teaches first grade knows the growth that happens. It is wonderful to watch and occurs at an almost unfathomable rate. My students are reading many English sight words and CVC words, and they can compose short sentences. While this might not seem to be a wondrous accomplishment for March of first grade, you have to remember this is the second language they are learning to read...this year. There have been challenges as they can sound out the words but not always recognize them as an English word, and sometimes picture clues don't help like with the words 'bin' and 'van.' Still I see glimpses of all the thinking and learning that has soaked in almost in passing even. I happened to mention one time that R is such a 'bossy' letter and doesn't let vowels say their sounds. We were reading a story online called "Extra Yarn," when one of my students said, "Ms. Hill! There it is!! Bossy R showed up." The days when I feel I am not doing enough for them, I am comforted to know that they will go to second grade still soaking it in and still growing everyday but be even more prepared to learn in English. Even my older students have become such better students since August. They are learning to work together and advocate for themselves. Having taught in schools that encourage collaborative learning, self reflection, and student responsibility for so long, I came with expectations of students' baseline skills that were out of line. However, these students are making great gains and with the help of all staff hopefully the hardest year is nearly behind them. Our next big break from school is Easter break from April 4-13th. The best part of that is that Bird will come visit me. I am really excited to see him and can't wait to plan a fun week for him like I did for Brad. He asked me what he should expect to pack, and I had to tell him I am honestly unsure as the weather has been so bizarre this year. I was telling my hairstylist about his question, and she said April is the time to be prepared for all four season...in a day. So, I think he will feel right at home. As for exploration, it's been on hold while I catch up with work. I've been enjoying the longer days and walking to work in light instead of darkness. I'm still working on my Norwegian, but I don't always have the energy at the end of the day. I enjoy the memories I am creating here, and I hope that I continue to learn and grow in the coming year. For now, reports await, and I cannot procrastinate any longer. |
Nellie HillJust a woman leaping outside her comfort zone and telling the tale. Archives
April 2024
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