Let me start by saying, it snowed today....again. Winter has been having cramps and fits beyond what even Norwegians are ready to embrace. I jokingly tease my Norwegian coworkers, while being secretly worried I will be shoveling snow into June. At least most of the snow is melted now. We had planned to stay at the cabin for the weekend, but life happens. We ended up changing our plans to accommodate life and kids, but still got to have some quality time together at the cabin. It's almost embarrassing to say that my own child that lives in the US had spent more nights at the cabin than I had. Sure, we've been out here to work, but staying overnight just wasn't happening for us. We both have huge lists of improvements and tidying that we want to do. Of course, NBF calls mine, "The Captain's List". I caught him yesterday working on his "Hytteplan....IKKE Capt'n List!" Whatever keeps him motivated! ha! So far we have done minor electrical work and installed an incinerator toilet. And let's not forget shoveled a metric fuck ton of snow. We did break down and get internet which has me really excited because I can do home office from the cabin. Let's pause a second and look at my view from cabin office. I still can't believe it is mine. Well, except for the 20th of the month when the payments come out, then I know. I know I have mentioned it before, but it is still surreal to think about how much my life has changed in five years. I went from never having traveled across the Atlantic to living on the other side of it. I have had so many experiences and travels that I thought I would only ever dream of. FFS, I hopped a plane to London for the weekend to attend a comedy show. I've met amazing people, and developed relationships that are far beyond anything I was ready to face in the states. But then again, I have lost even more amazing people. I learned you can torch bridges from across an ocean, and that there really is a point of too fucking late for love and changing. Probably most shocking for myself, was that I really don't miss too many things from the states.
I belong to a FB group of expats, and I see the "hauls" and "care packages." I had a chance to build my own when BAH visited, and you know, I ordered more things for the house and family than for myself. I do miss Downy fabric softener, and I have to have ranch powder. Of course, now that I have the Downy, I haven't even used it. What I really miss is my kids. It is such a bizarre feeling. When we all lived in Kansas, we didn't really see each other more often than now. We stayed in touch through messages and memes, the currency of young adults. But when I hugged BAH at the airport, I realized that was what I had been waiting for more than the Reeses eggs even. I miss the banter, the ribbing, and the hugs. My boys know how to hug. There was a moment when I realized that it had changed from me hugging them, to them hugging me. Of course, you could argue it was about when they were 10 and taller, but I still think a few years later. I hadn't given it much thought until BAH was here, that he was the first to really share in my new life. OGBAH visited when I first moved over, but it was very different "new life" then. I hope someday soon that I can bring them both over at the same time. Hopefully, Norway can handle that. But isn't it a truly interesting situation I find myself in. I stepped into a whole ass life and didn't really have the circle around me to weigh my judgement. Let's face it, my past choices indicate that I could probably use back up in that regard. There were no friends to witness in person to point out red flags or reassure my doubt. I did have AB on speed dial, but there is still something about meeting a person face to face that finalizes judgment. Don't worry, I exhausted...okay, in all honesty, continue to exhaust myself thinking about how healthy my relationship is or isn't. I have researched and worked on everything from healthy boundaries and trauma bonding to forming relationships with teenagers of your significant other. A friend recently separated from her spouse, and her posts and messages have me reflecting on the progress it took to get to start over in a relationship with NBF. I find myself questioning the Conversations with NBF. I think, "Wow! Do they think he is just a rude asshole?" But then I know that people that know me best will know I give as good as I get. I try my level best to ensure both bonus kids are treated as equitably as possible. I ponder on whether I give NBF enough space, support, feedback on what I need? Do I wear him out with my needs? Am I too fucking much? (Of course I am, but that is not my issue to handle.) It floors me that somewhere along the way, I was convinced I was only worth loving under certain circumstances and that my energy and enthusiasm was a trait that needed fixing. The list goes on, and so does life and healing. I hope I am never done growing and learning because I know I am a work in progress. But I do hope that it is noticeable that I am not who I was 5, 10, or 15 years ago. So what does May hold? Norwegian independence day without covid restrictions. A trip to Poland. And hopefully an end to the snow and winter once and for all. After all, we did find our trash bin...even if it has seen better days!
0 Comments
Fresh off a visit with BAH, that is how I answered when a friend asked me how the visit with my son went. The funny thing is, I almost didn't take vacation for his full visit. In Norway, we have three paid days off surrounding Easter (Thursday, Friday, and Monday) and I would only have to work three days of his eleven day visit. I had really thought that I would show him my new work space, and we would spend our time just relaxing and catching up. I had a big project at work with a March 31st deadline, and I honestly thought I wasn't going to make it. I also knew the anniversary of AB's death was looming and with his visit my emotional capacity would be full. Maybe I wasn't going to be all that fun to be around for THAT long. And then, Uncle Bill died. Uncle Bill was the quiet, stalwart companion to AB's bubbly enthusiasm for life. He was loving and wise, but he could easily ignore people he didn't like, opting to take out his hearing aids and happily pretend they didn't exist. Most of the time, he let AB do the talking and was happy to blend into the background. I remember when I brought NBF to visit, he actually put his hearing aids in to join the conversation and asked a ton of questions. That's one of the reasons I know I made the right choice there. I will also say, he was fond of napping. It became a bit of a running gag to pose with him while he was sleeping, and AB giggled and recruited people so she could take the photos. Some of the family had spoken about how long he would go on without AB. He's a stubborn old dickhead (IYKYK), but no one really expected less than year would pass before he went. My heart hurt to hear the news because that part of our family, and especially those littles, have been through enough this year. Then like a slap in the face, AB's words came back to me. "Wear the dress, burn the candle, take the trip, say yes." I let my boss know I needed the days off. BAH would arrive on April 1st and go home on the 11th. This would be my happy birthday. When I went to the airport to pick him up, I spotted him first. I ran up to him after he stepped off to the side to message me, and when I grabbed him, he said, "You are literally too short to see." And just like that, my boy was home to me. This trip was his first trip abroad, so I worked hard to make it a memorable trip. Maybe a little too hard. He was fighting like a trooper a few days to stay awake enough to enjoy himself. NBF and I drug him across the country...nearly quite literally. He went on a fjord tour from Flåm to Gudvangen, visited the Norwegian Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Trondheim, and walked too many flights of stairs in Bergen. I might mention this was his navigation, not mine. We crammed a lot of sights and talks into his trip until he was complaining about needing a vacation when he got home to recover from visiting me. From nearly missing our connection from Hønefoss to Bergen to his off the cuff comments, memories were created. He smuggled a suitcase full of things I miss from the states to em, and I loaded him up with Norwegian candies for Easter. Although I have to say, I was completely unimpressed that he did not like Toffin which in my estimation are similar to milk duds. He asked, "How long since you've had milk duds, twenty years? Because these taste like 20 year old milk duds." NBF must have commented a dozen times that he is most definitely my child. Not even sure which of us should be offended by that, but in all honesty, I cannot deny where BAH's sassitude comes from. All said, it was really interesting to see Norway through his eyes, and it was nice for him to see how I live here. We did save some things for next time, like actually going into Oslo. He was beyond disappointed to find out when you land at Oslo airport that you aren't actually in Oslo. Although, the statues at Frogner Park (Vigelandsparken) weren't the incentive I hoped they would be. Hopefully we don't have to go another year before we see each other. BAH is my private one, so I won't share beyond this quick couple of paragraphs and a couple of photos. Who knows, maybe next time I can get both BAH over here. Now wouldn't that be something.
|
Nellie HillJust a woman leaping outside her comfort zone and telling the tale. Archives
April 2024
Categories |